Lately I have felt deeply disturbed by very simple things…troubled..Yet I chose to stay in the raw honesty of it and feel what its like to be desperately needy and completely inept and as self centred as anyone….I didn’t like it.
I felt angry and needed to dig deeper to see for my own sake what it means to be indifferent..what does it look like really?
Who pays the silent bill and will it even amount to something of worth to posture and pretend….?
I can honestly say that I have grown extremely sick of indifference but most of all, I have been disgusted and horrified to find that some of my own companions have begun to store garbage inside graces that once were mutually shared and respected. I cannot possibly express how deeply grieved and disgusted I feel.
Tell me, when do you know if a friend has turned into a judge? The first sign is your own trust becomes a catalyst to further fuel the others sense of entitlement; leading to a constant gnawing inner unrest….it’s has been so insideous that it has caused me to second guess my own intention for years, yet no matter which way I tried to find resolve, it seemed that I became an play thing to prop up another’s lofty ego.
In life it is easier to set a boundary against an improper relationship; but what about Trespassers of the heart? Trespassers of family and time and others lives?
Even though I can learn things that are difficult and adjust and seek to remedy situations, there are far too often innocent voices and other lives smack bang in the middle…..Adults may presume that they can divide their spoils without recriminations; but to not stop and look at the suffering of others that have NO VOICE while white washing some inner monument to self is sadly easy enough to lull the whole world to sleep…
I feel ashamed of my own concience that I may morally benefit by even realising such things. But one thing that stands firm is that humanity is what I am a part of and so therefore I may still chose to honour the little light I have by doing something….especially a tiny tiny something thats not even worth remembering. This my friends, is Faith.